侘寂 — I have been wearing a yellow ribbon since then “2021”

Happy March of Awareness — Endometriosis

侘寂-It’s about accepting the transcience and imperfection of things.

Limitations make me forget about my dreams and ambitions. I started to make a limitation of anything that goes into my body, starting from food — where I have started a non-calorie, fat — lifestyle or reduce the calories to my body. I started reducing sugar or any sweet things and I forgot about soda or any alcohols.

A lifestyle is one of the causes and also, I have unfinished business that I could not handle by my own. It was traumatized me and my whole life. If I could not make it today, but tomorrow, I will get it done!

As I’m getting older, I realized that there are some problems that don’t have to be solved that day, because people’s behavior changes, where people will come and will go. Even though those who come are not necessarily good, or those who leave are not necessarily the worst. But the things is I will always learn about life and its meaning.

When the problem is not resolved now, it may be resolved and we will make a peace of it in the future. Because God always provides the best way even though in the end the best things will wait to come.

illustration by Pinterest

At that time, on a Friday 6th, in 2021, right in March, I was diagnosed with endometriosis and it had spread to several organs of my body. Everything seems black and dark — I — don’t want to live.

Why did this happen to me?

What did I do wrong?

At that time, it was a difficult time for me, but I tried to stay alive.

Without thinking too much, I have to solve this health problem and I have to heal — I have to fight — I have to be beautiful again…

Finally, I got my surgery on April 6, 2021, where I decided in a short time for my health problems. I learned to be an adult and I must be able to decide whatever is best for me and my life.

That night, I prayed to God, to bless me for whatever happened to me. I promise that when I can open my eyes again, I want to live — much better — much happier and colorful.

During my recovery, I lost my weight very drastically around 10 kg within 1 month and it happened in some time. I got zoladex therapy in a few months and it was — very — very — painful.

I have to face the reality and I have to continue my life. I need to get back with my job and my career — which I have built all this time, and also a domino effect — with my master’s degree will be postpone, due to health issue.

I have to be able to wake up from this nightmare, also I have to endure prolonged pain including brain-fog, backache, anemia and other health problems, even though sometimes I cry but now I’m not afraid anymore because whatever happens later I’m done — with my best!

I have been dealing with these endometrioses, where — they are everywhere and massive, I let them live with me side by side. And I also love the mark (wound) on my stomach that extends from the left to the right side, it looks still red and sore - even though it’s been 1 year.

I know it’s hard and they don’t understand — so I’ll keep fighting because I’m a warrior wearing a yellow ribbon.

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore